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"stepping out on my own"




Friday, July 25, 2008
last day

Last day at school today, but I don't feel overwhelmingly happy that it's the end of early wakings and reflections, or sad that I'm leaving this school probably for good and will not see the familiar faces in the teachers or student body again. But I am irritated that I have to hunt down people to sign my clearance form on my last day, more so that I am not able to locate any of them at this time of day. So whilst I wait for the first of 2 lessons that I'm observing today to begin, I've decided to blog, for a lack of anything else to do.

Looking forward to the last week of holidays, although I'm sad that my 'aunty' decided to pay me a very impromptu visit that would dampen the week. I would love to spend my last free days having great fun or just chilling out with nothing to stress about.

The new car's coming - it'll be ready for collection when we return. Looking forward to the new and very convenient transportation from then on, but not to the payments incurred.

Wedding dinner tonight for Dan's close friend. Looking forward to the good food and company, especially since it will almost be like a celebratory dinner for me as well, marking the end of practicum.

Ok, I've run out of things to blog about. Bleh

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I love being piggy-backed. It returns me to when I was a child, knowing that I can rely on the person carrying me on his back, willing to take my weight and be responsible for me. It is a superb experience - knowing that you can just relax and rest your head on his and be at your destination without even expending any energy. I love it when you piggy-back me, cos it reminds me of how I can rely on you to always be there for me, and that you'll never let me down.

Yesterday, just for the fun of it, Dan piggy-backed me from the Mac at the market to my place, all the way up the stairs to our door. If you know where I'm talking about, you'd know that it definitely is a rather long distance to piggy-back someone - probably more than 500m? Thanks BB for the wonderful gift... the priceless gift that reminds me of who I have right beside me always, silently sleeping even as I am typing this. I love you.

Monday, July 21, 2008

It's been a while since I've turned on my laptop with the intention to blog. Not that anything particularly significant has happened.

It's been a while since I've had such an enjoyable shower - a hot steaming shower in a cold and wet day. I love the simple comforts of home when the conditions out are not favourable. It reminds me of the simple joy awaiting when I return. That's when I truly feel at home. It's been close to a year, yet I don't feel all that homey, that is, till the shower today.

I love feeling the warm water soothing all my aches and pains. Something that reminds me of how my life is passing me by, day by day, whilst I simply watch it go by. You know what they say when you feel loneliest especially when you are with a big bunch of people? I feel that, most of the time. I feel like I'm an observer, watching people and things happening around me, and even though I'm there, I don't feel like I'm actually present. My mind wanders and what people say tend to filter out and what I'm left with are my negative thoughts. Perhaps that's why I prefer to seek solace in solitude. That's when I don't feel all that lonesome, ironically.

Watching the C girls play today reminded me of how cruel life is. From such a young age, we are taught that only the best get praised and get the fame and attention. The main players get to sweat and bleed in the competitions, whilst the substitutes expend most of their calories screaming and cheering from the benches. Are we born to be weaker than others? Can we break out of this vicious cycle and carve out a life of our own? Sometimes it's not to do with what we want to think or how we condition our minds to think positively, but that we are cooerced into thinking negatively due to the situation that we're in.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Observation by my sup today was nerve wrecking. I don't think I did a great job, cos I feel like my class was rather disorganised, although the class was really well-behaved, more than usual. The PE rep came in and the first thing he told me was that they had been informed by their form teacher to behave their best cos my sup was coming down, so don't worry cos they would try to behave and cooperate! So cute rite?

Played Taboo in the staff room with the DM and there's this clue that he gave that I think was super funny - DM: "This shirt is an imitation. It is made in...?" Me: "China!" Ding Ding Ding!! Ritey! We burst out laughing after that man...

Losing my touch with bball but caught up with someone from the past. I'm glad that he's trying to right the wrong of his past, and moving on. Chatting with him reminds me of the old him, the him I know and idolise cos of his ideals and discipline.

Went to Ikea with Dan and Mom-in-law... and we decided to shop for Halloween costumes...


And I've decided to dress up as a fluffy dog that's fearful of soccer. *Whines*

I love meatballs!!! Yummy meatballs, yummy sauce, yummy jam!


Saturday, July 05, 2008

Was reading an article in Shape about how we should change our lives if we're feeling stressed and disgruntled all the time. I feel it's time to change mine, cos tht's exactly how I've been feeling recently. It mentioned in the article that we should try and look for things to look forward to, so that we will feel motivated and eager to wake up everyday. I guess going for training is something new, and sometimes something that I look forward to. Although it does still get me down sometimes, cos it feels like Chong Ghee and HKN again. Always on sides, looking in, never part of the fun.

TA is starting to get better, as I start to gain more control of the notorious class, although I did make a lot of bo-bos with them and it wasn't a perfect class, at least I felt like I managed them in a better manner than previously. And I have a feeling that the P isn't all too pleased with me. I was in the canteen the other day and saw the other NIE peeps in there eating, and there was this guy sitting beside Celine whom I thought was the guy in our group. I didn't notice him at first and was happily talking to Celine, about how I was going out to watch the vball match later, and even suggesting that she skips coursework to go with me, all the while talking with my knee propped on the chair next to her. After that, I happily went to get my food. Then when I turned round to head back to the table, I saw that the guy sitting there was actually the P! I sat directly opposite him and silently ate my food, till he spoke up: "So you're going for the vball match later?" And all I could say was, "Ya", hoping he wouldn't say more. And he didn't, cos after a while he was done and he left the table. That's when I exclaimed to the rest: "Was he here all the time? LIke when I came over, he was sitting next to where I was standing??" And to my utter horror, they replied yes. Strike one there.

Then yesterday, I was in the canteen again, eating with the NIE peeps and my HOD and other teachers were sitting at the table next to us. The P was walking by the canteen, passing by the plot of plants next to the parade sq, and then he stopped, reached into the plants and picked out a vball. Then he headed towards the canteen, calling my HOD: "Who left this ball behind huh?" Then my HOD just took the ball and replied tht he wld go find out. After the P left, my HOD turned round, smiling, and tossed the ball to me: "Evon, I think this is yours." And there folks, that's strike two. Thankfully I don't think I'd be posted to the same sch again, so I can forget that all these ever happened and start afresh next time.

Heard of news that kinda shocked me the other day. About a friend frm my distant past who has returned to continue his education in NTU, which seems too close to comfort. And I don't know if this is good or bad news. Just mixed emotions whenever it comes to him. No point fretting about tht now; I might not even see him at all. Maybe Bin Bin is right, I should just deem the past as something tht happened cos things like that are hard to predict, and it might not have been his fault totally. Maybe I should try and forget about it, since I wasn't the one affected by his decision. It just shocked me to find out tht he is tht kinda guy. And this person used to be a sort of idol to me, only to turn out a let down.

Caught up with plenty of people from my past yesterday, when I went to SBC for the sch team's match. Saw Xueli there, a pal from Chong Ghee days, and Hong Peng, 2 of my old coaches (sec sch and poly), as well as Lao Heng of course. Then went to Northpoint and saw 2 peeps that totally surprised me - Veron and Mr Sim, both my sec sch acquiantances. Veron was in bball with me, whilst Mr Sim was teacher-in-charge for bball guys. Such a coincidence tht I met them there, who were talking at the base of the escalator cos they too met coincidentally. Gee... it was a day full of reminiscence. Maybe it's a sign, for me to try and look at life now the same way I used to - so carefree and embracing every moment, where people meant so much to me and I got along well with everyone. Somehow those feelings seem so distant, that it seems hard to retrieve. It is time that I made-over my life.