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Sunday, October 30, 2005
reminiscing and new things alike...
I really do miss being in school... being able to slack and spend weekdays shopping and just chilling at home and all; such a good life. Ever since I've graduated and started working, I've found it so stressful, so unable to just relax and not worry about anything anymore. I need a shift in my priorities. I can't live life like this, stuck in a job that I don't like and can't get accustomed to. I need a job where I can work my ass off without the slightest bit of a complaint. I don't mind working shifts and all, as long as I like the job, how bad can it get? It beats working a fixed job in and out, a routine that encases myself in a loop and transfixes myself in this dog-gone life.
Well, things (besides work) have been looking up - climbing has been increasingly fun. I'm really glad to have found the joy in climbing and managed to make this a hobby of mine. Though what I'm doing is easy-peasy rock climbing (those wall types) to some, but it's a challange for me, a weekly challange that I look forward to. Besides, it's real fun and a great workout as well. Last Thursday was great. I managed to conquer a 5C route wall, all in a matter of three trips to the centre. It's just so satisfying to realise how you can go back the next week and complete what you couldn't the last week, be it due to fatigue, mentality, or what not. I was unable to scale this particular wall on my second visit, but I managed to complete it on my third. That in itself tells me how I've been improving and how my fitness level is on the climb once again. Been so long since I've relished in the benefits of a great workout and a healthy lifestyle; ever since I've stopped playing bball, I haven't really been doing much exercise or any other sports. But now I've found another sport to channel my energy and interest in.
Speaking of basketball, I went for training yesterday at Hong Kah North. A tiring day which has left me aching all over, since I've barely recovered from my post-climbing aches when I went for the climb. But it was fun, being able to train and play as a team once again. It's real good. I really missed those times where teamwork brought so much fun and laughter. However, since I've been out of the game for quite some time, I realised how distant I've become to the game. I wasn't able to relate to some of the techniques and theories behind the game. But all it took was some warming up before I got back into it. My stamina and strength has decreased drastically, leaving me panting for my dear life after merely 5mins on the court. But nevertheless, despite the aches and pains, it's really great to be back. Thank you Jac for persuading me to go back into the game; what you said about me never being able to just give up the game, I find that so true. Thank you so much for bringing me the joy the game brings. And also, thank you Wei Yan for your warm welcome at the court. Really brought a smile to my face, and I hope this mutual feeling remains, be it whether we remain as teammates or not, as it's still to early to define the team.
Before going for training, we went to Orchard for a bit of shopping - Jac, Wei Xian, Chen Mei, Weite, Dan and I. We went to Pacific Plaza and saw Sharon Au there. Usually, I won't be so surprised to see a celeb, but since I recall reading that she left for studies in Japan and won't be back in about 2 years or more, I was kinda shocked to see her there. She's quite petite and real pretty, a naturally photogenic face despite the lack of make up. Her charms ever so present and her friendliness so obvious as she smiles at Jac and me in the loo, where we haplessly followed her into (hapless due to the overwhelming curiosity spurning inside me... haha).
After training, we went over to a chalet in Pasir Ris - Steve's chalet. It's huge and it's more like a house than a chalet, really. It's huge and so darn beautiful; plus it's just right across from the beach! Stayed there much longer than we intended to cos of the place. It was so good! And the food was great as well. Steve, being the good host that he was, ensured that we had lots to eat as he did the cooking while we sat and chilled, talking cock as usual. However, guilt and shame dawned on us and we decided to help him out with the cooking instead. Haha... in the end, we ran out of charcoal so we brought the food into the fully equipped giant of a kitchen to cook the stuff in an oven; try this - oven baked hot dogs, chicken wings, prawns and satay. Delish I tell you!
Most prob will be going over to stay coming Monday night. Too bad I didn't take leave on Monday. Stupid group had to cancel their trip so late. The rudeness and inconsideration. And to imagine, they're teachers for goodness sake! I would think they of all people would be able to relate and understand better. Gee... thanks to them... I can't spend a day of chilling in the wonderful house and have to spend it in the office instead. And the worst of all, everything has been prepared for the celebrations. And now they cancel. The nerve... I know it's volunteering and you are doing this out of goodwill, but I think pretty much anyone would have the decency to make any changes known in advance (and no, calling on Friday evening to cancel the visit on Monday is not advanced enough).
I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. I can't imagine how my life would be like without you. I can't and I won't and I hope that I never will have to deal with the reality of not having you in my life. Because that would be the day when life has no more meaning and no more purpose; that would be the day my heart stops beating, the day when my soul leaves this God-forsaken place.
Well, things (besides work) have been looking up - climbing has been increasingly fun. I'm really glad to have found the joy in climbing and managed to make this a hobby of mine. Though what I'm doing is easy-peasy rock climbing (those wall types) to some, but it's a challange for me, a weekly challange that I look forward to. Besides, it's real fun and a great workout as well. Last Thursday was great. I managed to conquer a 5C route wall, all in a matter of three trips to the centre. It's just so satisfying to realise how you can go back the next week and complete what you couldn't the last week, be it due to fatigue, mentality, or what not. I was unable to scale this particular wall on my second visit, but I managed to complete it on my third. That in itself tells me how I've been improving and how my fitness level is on the climb once again. Been so long since I've relished in the benefits of a great workout and a healthy lifestyle; ever since I've stopped playing bball, I haven't really been doing much exercise or any other sports. But now I've found another sport to channel my energy and interest in.
Speaking of basketball, I went for training yesterday at Hong Kah North. A tiring day which has left me aching all over, since I've barely recovered from my post-climbing aches when I went for the climb. But it was fun, being able to train and play as a team once again. It's real good. I really missed those times where teamwork brought so much fun and laughter. However, since I've been out of the game for quite some time, I realised how distant I've become to the game. I wasn't able to relate to some of the techniques and theories behind the game. But all it took was some warming up before I got back into it. My stamina and strength has decreased drastically, leaving me panting for my dear life after merely 5mins on the court. But nevertheless, despite the aches and pains, it's really great to be back. Thank you Jac for persuading me to go back into the game; what you said about me never being able to just give up the game, I find that so true. Thank you so much for bringing me the joy the game brings. And also, thank you Wei Yan for your warm welcome at the court. Really brought a smile to my face, and I hope this mutual feeling remains, be it whether we remain as teammates or not, as it's still to early to define the team.
Before going for training, we went to Orchard for a bit of shopping - Jac, Wei Xian, Chen Mei, Weite, Dan and I. We went to Pacific Plaza and saw Sharon Au there. Usually, I won't be so surprised to see a celeb, but since I recall reading that she left for studies in Japan and won't be back in about 2 years or more, I was kinda shocked to see her there. She's quite petite and real pretty, a naturally photogenic face despite the lack of make up. Her charms ever so present and her friendliness so obvious as she smiles at Jac and me in the loo, where we haplessly followed her into (hapless due to the overwhelming curiosity spurning inside me... haha).
After training, we went over to a chalet in Pasir Ris - Steve's chalet. It's huge and it's more like a house than a chalet, really. It's huge and so darn beautiful; plus it's just right across from the beach! Stayed there much longer than we intended to cos of the place. It was so good! And the food was great as well. Steve, being the good host that he was, ensured that we had lots to eat as he did the cooking while we sat and chilled, talking cock as usual. However, guilt and shame dawned on us and we decided to help him out with the cooking instead. Haha... in the end, we ran out of charcoal so we brought the food into the fully equipped giant of a kitchen to cook the stuff in an oven; try this - oven baked hot dogs, chicken wings, prawns and satay. Delish I tell you!
Most prob will be going over to stay coming Monday night. Too bad I didn't take leave on Monday. Stupid group had to cancel their trip so late. The rudeness and inconsideration. And to imagine, they're teachers for goodness sake! I would think they of all people would be able to relate and understand better. Gee... thanks to them... I can't spend a day of chilling in the wonderful house and have to spend it in the office instead. And the worst of all, everything has been prepared for the celebrations. And now they cancel. The nerve... I know it's volunteering and you are doing this out of goodwill, but I think pretty much anyone would have the decency to make any changes known in advance (and no, calling on Friday evening to cancel the visit on Monday is not advanced enough).
I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. I can't imagine how my life would be like without you. I can't and I won't and I hope that I never will have to deal with the reality of not having you in my life. Because that would be the day when life has no more meaning and no more purpose; that would be the day my heart stops beating, the day when my soul leaves this God-forsaken place.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
contemplation
Contemplating whether I should further my studies. A cert on Technical Theatre or Theatre Arts... then perhaps on to a degree. Still thinking it through cos it's definitely not easy and cheap to study in Singapore. Plus, such a niche topic and market? However, it is a growing market, something to consider. Still in the thought process - I've never been the decisive one so it may take me some time to realise what I actually want...
Another thing I've been unsure about - basketball. Or to be specific, continuing to play competitive bball (competitions and such). I've changed my mind so much I can't even convince myself into an answer. However, I will drop by and train this Saturday just to see how it goes. Really do miss training though.
Next week will be a loooong needed loooong break for me. Will do so many things! haha... Sentosa, camping in Ubin/hiking in Ubin, shopping, bball, chilling at home on a weekday... ahhh... looking forward to next week, definitely...
Another thing I've been unsure about - basketball. Or to be specific, continuing to play competitive bball (competitions and such). I've changed my mind so much I can't even convince myself into an answer. However, I will drop by and train this Saturday just to see how it goes. Really do miss training though.
Next week will be a loooong needed loooong break for me. Will do so many things! haha... Sentosa, camping in Ubin/hiking in Ubin, shopping, bball, chilling at home on a weekday... ahhh... looking forward to next week, definitely...
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Modern Dance for Beginners
Well, am thinking of starting to go the theatres and watch local productions... perhaps I will start with this... Modern Dance for Beginners... Read something about it in TODAY. Looks quite interesting. Anyone interested in going together?
Modern Dance for Beginners
wet marketing on a sunday morning
I can't remember the last time I actually went wet marketing with Mom... Brought back a couple of childhood memories of tailing Mom to the market and helping her to carry bags of groceries and dead animals... Haha...
Went out for breakfast with Mom and Dad today - at Chong Pang. Then had some wet marketing action. Still confused whenever I go there - the place is always so crowded and wet, and people can't seem to walk around without splashing water on other people (i.e. on me).
It was nice, but definitely not something I'd like to do often. There's the amazing dryness and non-stinkyness of supermarkets and hypermarts in the area. Why not instead? Haha...
Went out for breakfast with Mom and Dad today - at Chong Pang. Then had some wet marketing action. Still confused whenever I go there - the place is always so crowded and wet, and people can't seem to walk around without splashing water on other people (i.e. on me).
It was nice, but definitely not something I'd like to do often. There's the amazing dryness and non-stinkyness of supermarkets and hypermarts in the area. Why not instead? Haha...
Transporter 2
movies and dinner
Had a long day today... went to Ikea to join the crowd cos I wanted to buy this table... and bought a couple of other things as well... so heavy, having to carry all the items back home - in heels, to make matters worse.
Anyways, went for dinner with Jon and Lingna after that... Fish & Co at Novena Square. The waiters there were unattentive but nonetheless quite nice and friendly. The food was okay, but it wasn't fantabulous as well. Had the seafood platter with Jon, while Lingna had a 'looks can deceive' prawn pasta salad, which was really nice actually, despite the way it was presented in the menu.
After dinner, we initially wanted to go Orchard for some coffee and to hang out. We ended up buying tickets to The Transporter 2. It was quite a nice movie actually - though the storyline sucked (kinda flat with nothing much happening), the cars and the action scenes were real nice. Plus, Jason Statham has a really nice husky voice, and he looks so cool! Haha...
Anyways, went for dinner with Jon and Lingna after that... Fish & Co at Novena Square. The waiters there were unattentive but nonetheless quite nice and friendly. The food was okay, but it wasn't fantabulous as well. Had the seafood platter with Jon, while Lingna had a 'looks can deceive' prawn pasta salad, which was really nice actually, despite the way it was presented in the menu.
After dinner, we initially wanted to go Orchard for some coffee and to hang out. We ended up buying tickets to The Transporter 2. It was quite a nice movie actually - though the storyline sucked (kinda flat with nothing much happening), the cars and the action scenes were real nice. Plus, Jason Statham has a really nice husky voice, and he looks so cool! Haha...
Friday, October 21, 2005
a slip and ouch
Went climbing today again... It was fun, and we tried the tougher more inclined walls... finally managed to break into a sweat today, despite the air-conditioned environment. The climb was really tough. Couldn't grab on to most of the holes properly cos they were all so tiny and their shape made it difficult to place a good grip on. So much more of a strain in my arms and fingers than I've felt last week. But it's all good. Really had a great time.
We were packing up and talking when we heard this loud thud and the clanging of metal and the sliding rope. A gasp escaped from one of the girls in the group and it fell silent. Everything seemed to stop and everyone seemed to be holding their breath as they turned to look at the guy lying on the floor. He had fallen from the wall, presumably (by me at least) without a belayer. He seemed conscious as we were leaving... hope he's fine though. I guess one can never be too cautious, esp when dealing in sports like these.
We were packing up and talking when we heard this loud thud and the clanging of metal and the sliding rope. A gasp escaped from one of the girls in the group and it fell silent. Everything seemed to stop and everyone seemed to be holding their breath as they turned to look at the guy lying on the floor. He had fallen from the wall, presumably (by me at least) without a belayer. He seemed conscious as we were leaving... hope he's fine though. I guess one can never be too cautious, esp when dealing in sports like these.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
in good company
Been having good fun with several good company recently...
There's rock climbing with Suf and his pals, movie with Lingna and Jon, dinner and hanging out at Jon's place with Lingna, Jon and Pohling and then late nite snacks at Geylang with Ah Salt, Alan, Ah Te, Dan and Irene, and just today, KTV with 2 groups of pals... one's with pri sch gang - Lingna, Yiling and Shibin, then with Alan, Ah Salt, Ah Te and Wen Zhong... ah, long since I've been able to have so much fun with some good pals...
Went down to watch the guys play bball just now... was reading Angels and Demons borrowed from Jon... and then I saw this cute kitten... grey with black stripes... it was meowing at me and seeing how pitiful it looked, I went and bought a pack of cat food for it... when I returned with the food, she ran towards me, meowing like crazy, as if she knew that I had bought food for her, or perhaps she meant something else, cos she seemed a little flustered... but anyways, she calmed down and chowed down the food once I laid it down for her... she gobbled it all up in an instant! So I asked Dan to look after her while I went to get more food for her... bought 2 more packets (small packets; she's not THAT hungry)... and then fed her again... she wiped out the food once again and we stroked her and such...
We actually used Dan's jersey to wrap her up... Dan then picked her up and placed her in my lap... a bundle of joy, really... I was stroking her, her being face up... she looked at me so intently, I felt as if I was staring at a child... so sweet... but she packs a mighty scratch... and bite... haha... not that I was the target... Dan was more on the receiving side for that... haha... She was so adorable... too bad I can't bring her home.
But when we left, I was a bit sad to find her just not bothering whether I left or not... I guess that's the mentality of a stray cat... no restrictions, no boundaries, no committments... just up and leave as and when they like... still, I'm glad to have encountered such a cute little darling today...
Took leave for tmr... will be going to JB with Dan and his Ah Ma... looking forward to that...
There's rock climbing with Suf and his pals, movie with Lingna and Jon, dinner and hanging out at Jon's place with Lingna, Jon and Pohling and then late nite snacks at Geylang with Ah Salt, Alan, Ah Te, Dan and Irene, and just today, KTV with 2 groups of pals... one's with pri sch gang - Lingna, Yiling and Shibin, then with Alan, Ah Salt, Ah Te and Wen Zhong... ah, long since I've been able to have so much fun with some good pals...
Went down to watch the guys play bball just now... was reading Angels and Demons borrowed from Jon... and then I saw this cute kitten... grey with black stripes... it was meowing at me and seeing how pitiful it looked, I went and bought a pack of cat food for it... when I returned with the food, she ran towards me, meowing like crazy, as if she knew that I had bought food for her, or perhaps she meant something else, cos she seemed a little flustered... but anyways, she calmed down and chowed down the food once I laid it down for her... she gobbled it all up in an instant! So I asked Dan to look after her while I went to get more food for her... bought 2 more packets (small packets; she's not THAT hungry)... and then fed her again... she wiped out the food once again and we stroked her and such...
We actually used Dan's jersey to wrap her up... Dan then picked her up and placed her in my lap... a bundle of joy, really... I was stroking her, her being face up... she looked at me so intently, I felt as if I was staring at a child... so sweet... but she packs a mighty scratch... and bite... haha... not that I was the target... Dan was more on the receiving side for that... haha... She was so adorable... too bad I can't bring her home.
But when we left, I was a bit sad to find her just not bothering whether I left or not... I guess that's the mentality of a stray cat... no restrictions, no boundaries, no committments... just up and leave as and when they like... still, I'm glad to have encountered such a cute little darling today...
Took leave for tmr... will be going to JB with Dan and his Ah Ma... looking forward to that...
Friday, October 14, 2005
rock climbing!
yeah! I love rock climbing! no pro at it yet... but I aim to be! hahaha....
It was really cool... esp since the last time I did that was in a camp in primary school...
Ah, aching limbs, muscles and bones... don't u just love post-exercise aches? haha...
It was really cool... esp since the last time I did that was in a camp in primary school...
Ah, aching limbs, muscles and bones... don't u just love post-exercise aches? haha...
Thursday, October 13, 2005
The Oh-so unfair world
We all keep complaining how life and everything is so unfair, especially when it comes to ourselves... why is it that we always get the bad end of the deal? However, life is truly unfair to all, as we all expect and want different things, our goals and dreams continually changing with each progression. I don't think anyone's truly satisfied with life. Humans always look for improvement and newer things to replace the old, just to acquire new things that they've never owned.
What about those who are really destitute and living a life much worse than many of us are living? How about those who are born with disabilities and illnesses that consume most of their lives? Shouldn't they be the ones to complain and moan on the unfairness of life? Who are we to compare our lives to theirs? Who are we to complain about our lives, when we so obviously fail to see the blessings that we've been given?
We are all guilty of this.
However, I think that if one has lived in a minimalist environment his entire life, he would not know of the advances and improvements that he may crave for; therefore, he is most contented with life. When you don't know what you can have, when you don't know what others have that you don't have and you don't compare your wealth with others, that's when you perceive that you are in bliss. Perception is sometimes better than reality, no?
Perhaps the wealthy are really not the wealthy... it's the destitute and truly challenged people who are able to overcome the difficulties and live their lives to the fullest without a thought of negativity who are the wealthiest.
It's been so long... i feel so out of touch... so out of the loop... just like how i've felt since, well, years ago... what's wrong with me?
What about those who are really destitute and living a life much worse than many of us are living? How about those who are born with disabilities and illnesses that consume most of their lives? Shouldn't they be the ones to complain and moan on the unfairness of life? Who are we to compare our lives to theirs? Who are we to complain about our lives, when we so obviously fail to see the blessings that we've been given?
We are all guilty of this.
However, I think that if one has lived in a minimalist environment his entire life, he would not know of the advances and improvements that he may crave for; therefore, he is most contented with life. When you don't know what you can have, when you don't know what others have that you don't have and you don't compare your wealth with others, that's when you perceive that you are in bliss. Perception is sometimes better than reality, no?
Perhaps the wealthy are really not the wealthy... it's the destitute and truly challenged people who are able to overcome the difficulties and live their lives to the fullest without a thought of negativity who are the wealthiest.
It's been so long... i feel so out of touch... so out of the loop... just like how i've felt since, well, years ago... what's wrong with me?
Friday, October 07, 2005
yawns
Ever seen a mudslide on a mudpie? Haha... today's the first time I've seen such a thing... Coffee Club's Muddy Mudslide... you can literally see the choc sliding off the ice-cream cake... darned sweet man... it's so rich I don't think anyone can stomach it alone... I shared it with Suf, after having dinner with him (I had naan and tandoori... not bad, just that the naan was too oily... but the tandoori's really nice, juicy and tasty, but a tad small in proportion for $3... less than 1/4 or a chicken... 3 pieces... geez...)
Talking abt what's going on in life over deathly sweet dessert... yummy? haha...
There's a exhibition thingie in Bugis Junction by SPCA... my fav! I bought a t-shirt, 2 posters and an organiser... too bad SWAMI won't be able to sell items like they did... it was a fluster trying to get stuff! haha...
Meeting up with old acquaintances tmr... my pri sch pals... can't hardly wait... haha... been so long since I've seen them... wonder how they're all doing now... wells, it shld be fun...
My hands smell of tandoori now... yummy... think i need to go on a diet... i keep seeing wafer-thin girls around... but somehow my appetite has been decreasing... can't eat as much as I used to be able to... I hope tht's not a sign of slowing metabolism.
Next October... you told me of your plan and I was so surprised, as I thought you didn't think of the future, esp about us... we shall see how it goes, and who knows? perhaps by next year, your plan would have worked out and we'll be living in bliss...
Talking abt what's going on in life over deathly sweet dessert... yummy? haha...
There's a exhibition thingie in Bugis Junction by SPCA... my fav! I bought a t-shirt, 2 posters and an organiser... too bad SWAMI won't be able to sell items like they did... it was a fluster trying to get stuff! haha...
Meeting up with old acquaintances tmr... my pri sch pals... can't hardly wait... haha... been so long since I've seen them... wonder how they're all doing now... wells, it shld be fun...
My hands smell of tandoori now... yummy... think i need to go on a diet... i keep seeing wafer-thin girls around... but somehow my appetite has been decreasing... can't eat as much as I used to be able to... I hope tht's not a sign of slowing metabolism.
Next October... you told me of your plan and I was so surprised, as I thought you didn't think of the future, esp about us... we shall see how it goes, and who knows? perhaps by next year, your plan would have worked out and we'll be living in bliss...
Thursday, October 06, 2005
controversy in my life
I was tending to a class of primary schoo students today... and suddenly, I was thinking how terrorising they were, but also how adorable and interesting their minds work... they can do and say the most unexpected things, leaving me at a loss for words... and watching their teachers, I suddenly thought tomyself - why can't I be a teacher? Maybe I should try that?
And I was brought back a couple of years, when I was still in primary school and my cousin asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a teacher. But look where I am now... so different from what I expected, no? Haha... life is amazing... so many different routes to take and I end up here... stuck in the middle, pondering which path to take from here on.
I still recall talking to Siti a couple of weeks back. She's currently in NIE, together with Liza, Fiza, and Suf... and I was wondering whether I should take up teaching as well... it seems like a good career and I did want to do that since young... but somehow, the uncertainty and knowing how I keep getting bored of the jobs I've taken so far kinda deterred me from trying. What if I only wanted to become a teacher because I've seen so many people around me doing the same thing and I just want to follow the crowd? What if I can't cope and make it as a teacher? What will I do then? Gee... so many unanswered questions... all these are questions I can't even answer... I can only find out once I've tried... and the outcome may turn either way, no guarantees there. I don't think I'm ready to take that risk...
Dan and I made a pact... that I have to stay at this current job for at least a year... this is to deter me from job hopping, something that I see as becoming a habit for me.
I think the kinda job I'm looking for is something that doesn't take much brains to do... something like being a salesgirl in a shop or a waitress or something like that... something routine and simple... nothing tht requires me to stare at a computer screen for hours on and remain seated at the desk for the entire day. I wanted to find something related to sports, but I can't figure out what and I can't seem to find any vacancies in that area. Perhaps I'm not looking hard enough.
I've realised how I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my true feelings, in depth. I've been clamming up and keeping everything to myself. Just wondering when I'll explode. Hah... There's no point talking to anyone who isn't interested, so I'd rather not. I want to please the crowd, make everyone happy; everyone but myself, I guess... I don't want to lose anyone by being too upfront, by being truthful... that's what I think anyways... perhaps I'm wrong?
Even the elderly or needy have someone to talk to - social workers. I don't want to resort to that... talk to someone whose job is to listen to me talk. I want someone who genuinely wants to listen to me. Unfortunately, I've yet to find that person. Perhaps, once again, I'm just not looking hard enough.
That's why I'm turning to writing down everything in my blog... perhaps I've already gone beyond my storage limit and am pouring out everything inside, venting through words. The thoughts going through my mind whilst I'm writing here and when I'm thinking of what to write... really, things I've seldom or never told anyone.
I seem to want what everyone else has... I seem to be the follower... why's that, you ask? That's because I haven't a mind of my own, I haven't the slightest idea what I should do and whether I will succeed, so I follow in the path of others, being part of a huge group rather than taking the risk to break free and take a path of my own.
When the butterflies fluttuer and rise up into the night sky, their beautiful coloured wings glittering under the moonlight; that's when I know it's ended.
And I was brought back a couple of years, when I was still in primary school and my cousin asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a teacher. But look where I am now... so different from what I expected, no? Haha... life is amazing... so many different routes to take and I end up here... stuck in the middle, pondering which path to take from here on.
I still recall talking to Siti a couple of weeks back. She's currently in NIE, together with Liza, Fiza, and Suf... and I was wondering whether I should take up teaching as well... it seems like a good career and I did want to do that since young... but somehow, the uncertainty and knowing how I keep getting bored of the jobs I've taken so far kinda deterred me from trying. What if I only wanted to become a teacher because I've seen so many people around me doing the same thing and I just want to follow the crowd? What if I can't cope and make it as a teacher? What will I do then? Gee... so many unanswered questions... all these are questions I can't even answer... I can only find out once I've tried... and the outcome may turn either way, no guarantees there. I don't think I'm ready to take that risk...
Dan and I made a pact... that I have to stay at this current job for at least a year... this is to deter me from job hopping, something that I see as becoming a habit for me.
I think the kinda job I'm looking for is something that doesn't take much brains to do... something like being a salesgirl in a shop or a waitress or something like that... something routine and simple... nothing tht requires me to stare at a computer screen for hours on and remain seated at the desk for the entire day. I wanted to find something related to sports, but I can't figure out what and I can't seem to find any vacancies in that area. Perhaps I'm not looking hard enough.
I've realised how I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my true feelings, in depth. I've been clamming up and keeping everything to myself. Just wondering when I'll explode. Hah... There's no point talking to anyone who isn't interested, so I'd rather not. I want to please the crowd, make everyone happy; everyone but myself, I guess... I don't want to lose anyone by being too upfront, by being truthful... that's what I think anyways... perhaps I'm wrong?
Even the elderly or needy have someone to talk to - social workers. I don't want to resort to that... talk to someone whose job is to listen to me talk. I want someone who genuinely wants to listen to me. Unfortunately, I've yet to find that person. Perhaps, once again, I'm just not looking hard enough.
That's why I'm turning to writing down everything in my blog... perhaps I've already gone beyond my storage limit and am pouring out everything inside, venting through words. The thoughts going through my mind whilst I'm writing here and when I'm thinking of what to write... really, things I've seldom or never told anyone.
I seem to want what everyone else has... I seem to be the follower... why's that, you ask? That's because I haven't a mind of my own, I haven't the slightest idea what I should do and whether I will succeed, so I follow in the path of others, being part of a huge group rather than taking the risk to break free and take a path of my own.
When the butterflies fluttuer and rise up into the night sky, their beautiful coloured wings glittering under the moonlight; that's when I know it's ended.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
writing for?
I know my blog's boring; I know no one reads my entries. I know this is self-pity. But you know what? Fuck it. It's my blog - I don't write for the people who read this, I don't write for anyone else but myself.
what i wanna do?
I've been pondering recently... actually been thinking of what I wanna do with my life.
I've barely talked to anyone about this, mostly cos I can't think of anyone who wld be willing to talk to me... any volunteers who wanna hear me whine? hah - see what I mean?
Been thinking of what I truly want to do with my life. Even considered taking theatre acting lessons at Fly Entertainment but when I saw the fees, it kinda turned me off. Remembered those days in secondary school, preparing for the musical and the play. It was lotsa long hours in school at rehersals, but it was so much fun! Another alternative I've been considering is volunteering at The Singapore Repertory Theatre. But thinking about it, Ive been so busy at work and all, I barely have time to even exercise, much less volunteer my time at the theatre.
Wondering whether work's bringing me down. If someone were to ask me what I wish for right at this moment, it would be to not have to work, yet have enough to live a luxurious life, letting me do all the things I wanna do - theatre, travel, start a family, cook, exercise, fine dining, take up photography, take up singing, take up writing, attend local theatre works and so much more. But I know all that is just wishful thinking. You only reap what you sow - that's reality.
Work's really been sucking the life out of me - staring at the computer for 8 straight hours is no joke, esp when I really have to stare hard and concentrate on what I'm doing. And there's just so much piling up that I can't even cope sometimes. Everything's pushed back and pending - the good thing is that my ED and President understand this and don't bug me all the time for all the things they've asked me to do. Haiz... when can I find a job that I truly like? But then again, I think my dream job doesn't even exist.
I'm just so messed up. I should really stop dreaming and start thinking - stop letting my dreams cloud my thoughts and come up with something to better my real world.
I've barely talked to anyone about this, mostly cos I can't think of anyone who wld be willing to talk to me... any volunteers who wanna hear me whine? hah - see what I mean?
Been thinking of what I truly want to do with my life. Even considered taking theatre acting lessons at Fly Entertainment but when I saw the fees, it kinda turned me off. Remembered those days in secondary school, preparing for the musical and the play. It was lotsa long hours in school at rehersals, but it was so much fun! Another alternative I've been considering is volunteering at The Singapore Repertory Theatre. But thinking about it, Ive been so busy at work and all, I barely have time to even exercise, much less volunteer my time at the theatre.
Wondering whether work's bringing me down. If someone were to ask me what I wish for right at this moment, it would be to not have to work, yet have enough to live a luxurious life, letting me do all the things I wanna do - theatre, travel, start a family, cook, exercise, fine dining, take up photography, take up singing, take up writing, attend local theatre works and so much more. But I know all that is just wishful thinking. You only reap what you sow - that's reality.
Work's really been sucking the life out of me - staring at the computer for 8 straight hours is no joke, esp when I really have to stare hard and concentrate on what I'm doing. And there's just so much piling up that I can't even cope sometimes. Everything's pushed back and pending - the good thing is that my ED and President understand this and don't bug me all the time for all the things they've asked me to do. Haiz... when can I find a job that I truly like? But then again, I think my dream job doesn't even exist.
I'm just so messed up. I should really stop dreaming and start thinking - stop letting my dreams cloud my thoughts and come up with something to better my real world.
Dan's aunt, grandma and Mr Pang Pai See and myself at the Chinese Garden
Here's Mr Pang Pai See and myself
Dan and me at the entrance of the Chinese Garden
3 monkeys 'hanging' out
A display of dragons
Dan and me with Mr Pang Pai See
The animals in Noah's Ark
With the king of the jungle
The maidens in the heavens
The dragons encircling the pagoda
A traditional Chinese wedding ceremony between 2 birds (haha)
The star-studded path to the pagoda
Sunday, October 02, 2005
dreams
It's never good enough to just dream. Life is short - enjoy it; sure, you can but without hard work and dedication, you can never enjoy life the way you dream of.
Dreams only become reality when you do something about it - when you try and make that dream a reality by doing your best.
Perhaps some are satisfied with simplicity in life. However, everyone has their own dreams. What are your dreams? What are you heading for, in your entire life? That's another dumb-founding question I have to tackle as well, as I am an aimless soul at this moment, without a mind of my own.
Dreams only become reality when you do something about it - when you try and make that dream a reality by doing your best.
Perhaps some are satisfied with simplicity in life. However, everyone has their own dreams. What are your dreams? What are you heading for, in your entire life? That's another dumb-founding question I have to tackle as well, as I am an aimless soul at this moment, without a mind of my own.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
the child in me
Playing with children can bring out the child in one.
I was playing with Dan's nephew, Mr Pang Pai See and seeing how he's one to gloat everytime he scores (and by gloat I mean really gloat, rub it in your face extremely proud and irritating gloating), it's really difficult to want to just take it easy and let him win.
So I end up trying to beat him at the game... and I do... hahaha... and then what happens? I gloat in his face: Yes! I win!
And you sometimes wonder how kids get to be like that... I guess it's time to take a look in the mirror and assess what u see, no?
I was playing with Dan's nephew, Mr Pang Pai See and seeing how he's one to gloat everytime he scores (and by gloat I mean really gloat, rub it in your face extremely proud and irritating gloating), it's really difficult to want to just take it easy and let him win.
So I end up trying to beat him at the game... and I do... hahaha... and then what happens? I gloat in his face: Yes! I win!
And you sometimes wonder how kids get to be like that... I guess it's time to take a look in the mirror and assess what u see, no?