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"stepping out on my own"
Thursday, October 06, 2005
controversy in my life

I was tending to a class of primary schoo students today... and suddenly, I was thinking how terrorising they were, but also how adorable and interesting their minds work... they can do and say the most unexpected things, leaving me at a loss for words... and watching their teachers, I suddenly thought tomyself - why can't I be a teacher? Maybe I should try that?

And I was brought back a couple of years, when I was still in primary school and my cousin asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said I wanted to be a teacher. But look where I am now... so different from what I expected, no? Haha... life is amazing... so many different routes to take and I end up here... stuck in the middle, pondering which path to take from here on.

I still recall talking to Siti a couple of weeks back. She's currently in NIE, together with Liza, Fiza, and Suf... and I was wondering whether I should take up teaching as well... it seems like a good career and I did want to do that since young... but somehow, the uncertainty and knowing how I keep getting bored of the jobs I've taken so far kinda deterred me from trying. What if I only wanted to become a teacher because I've seen so many people around me doing the same thing and I just want to follow the crowd? What if I can't cope and make it as a teacher? What will I do then? Gee... so many unanswered questions... all these are questions I can't even answer... I can only find out once I've tried... and the outcome may turn either way, no guarantees there. I don't think I'm ready to take that risk...

Dan and I made a pact... that I have to stay at this current job for at least a year... this is to deter me from job hopping, something that I see as becoming a habit for me.

I think the kinda job I'm looking for is something that doesn't take much brains to do... something like being a salesgirl in a shop or a waitress or something like that... something routine and simple... nothing tht requires me to stare at a computer screen for hours on and remain seated at the desk for the entire day. I wanted to find something related to sports, but I can't figure out what and I can't seem to find any vacancies in that area. Perhaps I'm not looking hard enough.

I've realised how I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my true feelings, in depth. I've been clamming up and keeping everything to myself. Just wondering when I'll explode. Hah... There's no point talking to anyone who isn't interested, so I'd rather not. I want to please the crowd, make everyone happy; everyone but myself, I guess... I don't want to lose anyone by being too upfront, by being truthful... that's what I think anyways... perhaps I'm wrong?

Even the elderly or needy have someone to talk to - social workers. I don't want to resort to that... talk to someone whose job is to listen to me talk. I want someone who genuinely wants to listen to me. Unfortunately, I've yet to find that person. Perhaps, once again, I'm just not looking hard enough.

That's why I'm turning to writing down everything in my blog... perhaps I've already gone beyond my storage limit and am pouring out everything inside, venting through words. The thoughts going through my mind whilst I'm writing here and when I'm thinking of what to write... really, things I've seldom or never told anyone.

I seem to want what everyone else has... I seem to be the follower... why's that, you ask? That's because I haven't a mind of my own, I haven't the slightest idea what I should do and whether I will succeed, so I follow in the path of others, being part of a huge group rather than taking the risk to break free and take a path of my own.

When the butterflies fluttuer and rise up into the night sky, their beautiful coloured wings glittering under the moonlight; that's when I know it's ended.