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Photobucket
Photobucket
"stepping out on my own"
Monday, February 27, 2006
giving it up

Had the second match for the Women's NBL yesterday... Same ol' same ol'... felt nothing, didn't even care if my team lost or won. I feel so detached and it might be my own fault for distancing myself and not trying hard enough to fit in. But take a look - when all you see are people in their own cliques laughing and teasing, having a great time and when you try to join them, all you get are some weird stares and awkward gazes, after which they dismiss you and carry on talking. You hear about parties and outings that you aren't invited to. How does one fit in then? Apparently, one can't. How depressing is that? Extremely.

I am faced with another challenge once again - where do I fit in in this team? Why am I even there when I can't get along with the people there, when I don't even get to play? Am I just there to fill in the spaces, to make up for the other vacancies to fill up the entire 12 spots? I don't wanna play this way... I don't wanna be in a team where I can't fit in - what's the point? I'm not just good enough, be it basketball, or socialising, or just being human.

Everything's just going downhill from now... I feel as if it's as such. I can't stop these tears from constantly welling up in my eyes, and I can't bring myself to let them fall either. I'm caught in the middle - what should I do? Should I take the easy way out, as I usually do, and not think about the consequences? I don't know - and I hope not either. Life is about the challenges, how one overcomes them to become a stronger person. But right here right now, I feel like I am pelted by all these falling stones and I'm beginning to falter. I'm teethering on the edge, waiting for either someone to come and pull me out of the abyss, or someone to push me off.